


Didn't See That Coming.

by BarPurple



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Smut, Multi, Post-Season/Series 10 Finale, Spells & Enchantments, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-10 16:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4399643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarPurple/pseuds/BarPurple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His witch-bitch mother is on the loose and Castiel is snarling for his blood. Just how much worse can Crowley's day get?</p><p>UPDATE 15/10/2015</p><p>Now with smutty alt ending, because of reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oh Bollocks

**Author's Note:**

> Canon compliant until the moment season 10 ended and then we take a trip into . . . well decided for yourself.

“Castiel! No!”

The red rage of Mother’s attack dog spell flooded the angel’s eyes and a small detached part of Crowley wondered if he looked as bloody terrifying when his own eyes flared red. The mental slap he gave himself was rapidly followed by an iron clad punch from Castiel. Crowley rocked backwards but the binding spell kept his feet rooted to the floor. Wonderful, he was going to spend his last moments as an angel’s Webble.

Crowley cringed, but there was no follow up blow. Squinting he watched Castiel force his clenched fists to his sides. The growl that rumbled out of the angel was deeper than even than his normal gravel toned voice.

“Do something.”

So the angel was fighting it. Okay, good, that gave him something to work with. Crowley’s mind shifted into gear as he ran through the spell and its effects. Right. This had better work.

“Receptui Bestia.”

The ruddy eyed angel growled and punched Crowley again. Spitting a glob of blood out the King of Hell cursed the foul bitch the spawned him, of course she wouldn’t have made the counter-spell that simple. The trench coat clad pugilist was emitting a constant deep growl now and that couldn’t be a good sign. Crowley ran his tongue over his teeth and grimaced at the taste of his own blood. So, can’t recall the beast, let’s try balancing it up.

“Devolvat Corde.”

Crowley screwed his eyes shut and cringed; bracing himself for what would most likely be the final blow. He was knocked off his feet and flat on to his back. The pain of his back connecting with the concreate barely had time to register before his chest was filing a report on the sudden crushing weight that had landed on him. Crowley’s eyes sprang open and discovered that it wasn’t an anvil pinning him to the ground, but six foot of angel. For a moment he thought Cas was trying to crush him to oblivion, but what he’d taken as grunts of rage turned out to be sobs.

“Castiel?”

The snuffling response from Cas was intelligible, but it didn’t sound threatening. With the immediate danger to his hide removed Crowley’s temper snapped.

“Get off me you stupid angel! I am not going to be found in a compromising positon with an angel who is crying like a teenage fan girl!”

Not the best snark Crowley had ever uttered, but it had been a rough day and it had the desired effect. Still sniffling Castiel pushed himself up from Crowley managing to land a knee in a sensitive area as his did.

“Bloody hell, I thought angels were graceful!”

“I’m so sorry. Please let me help you up.”

Castiel's sobbing started afresh as he took a good look at the King of Hell. 

“Look at what I did to you! Oh let me heal your wounds.”

Crowley took a hurried step back and held a hand up to stop the angel advancing on him. He was beginning to wish Cas was still acting like a rabid attack dog. This weepy version was way over the line into chick flick. With a roll of his shoulders he fixed himself up and shot his cuffs to settle his suit back into place. Cas was looking at him like a love sick puppy.

“You’re being such a brave little soldier.”

Before Crowley could frame a snide remark he was being hugged by the angel again. On the plus side the counter-spell he’d come up with on the fly had worked; possibly too well. He managed to free his arms from his side where Cas’ hug had pinned them, but all that did was let the emotional angel get a better grip on him.

“Bugger this.”

With a frustrated sigh Crowley clicked his fingers and both he and his limpet vanished.


	2. Really?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for the cloud of unleashed Darkness to hit has got to be the worse thing the Winchesters will face. Hasn't it?

The cloud of Darkness rolled over the Impala. The brothers watched as the boiling smoke rolled passed the windows of the car. For fleeting seconds each of them caught glimpses of hellish visions that normally only haunted their nightmares. And then the Darkness cleared and nothing else happened. Twisting in their seats Sam and Dean stared out of the rear window just in time to see last wisps of the black cloud vanish leaving no trace it had ever been. The tension in the Impala grew as they waited for the other shoe to drop.

“Is that it?”

Tension and disbelief fought for the upper hand in Dean's voice. Sam shrugged nothing felt different. They were still looking out of the rear window and just starting to ease down from full on panic stations when Crowley and Castiel appeared in the backseat.

“What the fu…?”

“Sonofabitch!”

Sam jumped a clear six inches, but connected with the roof of the Impala after scarcely one. His cursing was cut short by dull thump as his head banged off the roof. Dean’s reaction had been to push away from the backseat which caused his kidneys to get up close and personal with the steering wheel.

Dean’s back wasn’t the only thing in the car getting inappropriately intimate. Castiel was cuddling Crowley. No matter how much the brothers blinked and stared at the pair on the back seat their eyes stubbornly reported the same thing. Castiel was cuddling Crowley. The more they refused to believe the evidence the more details their eyes reported. Castiel was rubbing his head on Crowley’s shoulder. That’s Cas’ hand stroking Crowley’s hair. Dean’s brain shorted out at this point and focused on Crowley, who looked mightily pissed off. At last here was something approaching normal. 

After a few impressions of a koi carp Sam managed to say;

“Hello boys?”

“Don’t get cute Moose.”


	3. No Chick Flick Moments.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If their brain fuses don't blow out, Sam and Dean might get some answers.

Budget motels feature many times in the unwritten Laws of the World according to Dean Winchester. There will always be skanky stains on every surface. When you think the décor can’t get any crazier, it will. The night you strike out there will be a couple loudly reminding you of exactly what you ain’t getting in the next room. Tonight, as he had been many times in the past, Dean was grateful for the Law of Obliviousness. The world can actually be going to Hell not ten miles up the road, but the desk clerk with neither care nor notice as long as you have hard cash and don’t keep them away from the TV for any longer than it takes for them to throw you a key.

Dean had pulled up at the first broken, buzzing neon sign he’d seen. He’d been out of the car and at the reception desk before Sam could argue. He felt a tiny bit bad for leaving Sammy to extract Crowley and Cas from the Impala, but the sight of Cas fawning over Crowley was just too bizarre for him. And that was saying something for a man who had summoned Death for a friendly chat earlier in the evening. 

None of them had spoken on the short drive here. At least nothing had been said about the events of the day or the situation they were currently in. Dean knew that Sam probably had a list of a million questions he wanted answers to, but the fact that Castiel was singing something in Enochian tenderly into Crowley’s ear derailed Sam’s ‘We need to talk about this’ impulses.

The situation didn’t get any less crazy once the four of them got into the room.

“Aren’t I shackled enough right now?”

After five of the most awkward minutes in his whole life Sam had managed to get the demon warded cuffs on Crowley without trapping Cas as well. The newly restrained state of the object of his, erm , nope Sam’s brain wasn’t going there. Either way Cas didn’t seem to mind that Crowley was cuffed now. Desperately slamming mental doors on the images his mind was trying to muse on, Sam resolutely turned his back on the whingeing King of Hell and stared at his brother. 

Dean missed the full force of the bitchface Sam threw at him because he was doubled over laughing his ass off. The shock of seeing his brother being so, well so Dean, reduced the force of Sam’s ire and brought a grin to his face that had him biting the inside of his cheek so he didn’t burst into giggles too.

“Will you stop doing that!”

Dean had just about regained control when Crowley’s outburst caused both Winchesters to look once more at the oddest odd couple in creation. Crowley was sitting on the end of one of the motel beds wearing a face like thunder. Cas was kneeling behind him rubbing his shoulders and occasionally nuzzling at Crowley’s neck.

Crowley uttered an impressive string of filthy words as both Sam and Dean collapsed into roars of laughter. His annoyance only make Cas croon and fuss over him more leading to more helpless howling laughter from Sam and Dean, which resulted in more creative cussing from Crowley. This cycle went on until the Winchesters were gasping for breath and the King of Hell’s face was an interesting shade of purple.

“Okay. Okay. Right I got this. Sam, stop smirking.”

Dean made a show of inhaling a deep calming breath before sitting on the edge of the dresser. He fixed an almost believable serious look on his face.

“Tell me, how the hell did this happen?”


	4. The Road So Far.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheap motel rooms and Magic Fingers.

Crowley squirmed either to try and get more comfortable on the lumpy mattress or to dislodge the angel on his shoulder. Moose and Squirrel were not taking the current situation seriously and that was pissing him off no end.

“My darling witch-bitch mother doubled crossed everyone after she cast the spell. By the way did that work?”

Squirrel’s face contorted into one of his usual dumb as a sack of hammers looks. Crowley could actually see the light bulb moment dawn. Dean rolled his sleeve up.

“Yup, no more Hell tramp stamp.”

“You’re welcome.”

Dean gave him a shit eating grin and a mock bow. Crowley threw him a sneer, but he knew it wasn’t his best. Castiel’s thumbs had started working the tension from his shoulders and against his will Crowley had to admit it was feeling good. The King of Hell gave himself a mental slap and continued with his explanation for the hard of thinking idiots in front of him.

“Mother’s leaving gift was to turn Trench Coat here into an attack dog. I had to think fast and come up with a counter-spell. Obviously there were a few side effects I didn’t expect.”

Moose was grinning like an idiot and Squirrel looked like he might explode if he didn’t give in to the urge to laugh soon. Crowley’s teeth ground together, a little in frustration, but mostly to stop the groan of pleasure escaping his lips. Castiel had just done something magical with his thumbs and a tension knot that had been there for years had melted away.

“Why did you come to us?”

Crowley rolled his eyes at Moose.

“Firstly, he’s your angel. Secondly, I’m the bloody King of Hell! I can’t walk into the Pit with a sodding angel cooing all over me. And for some reason I can’t get rid of him.”

Dean had been drumming his fingers on his arm watching Castiel like a hawk.

“Cas? Cas! You with us buddy?”

The angel’s fingers didn’t stop massaging Crowley’s shoulders, but he did look up and meet Dean’s eyes. For a split second Dean’s heart stopped. He’d seen this look on Castiel’s face before. In the Croatoian future that never was. This was the look of an angel high on life, but drowning in despair. The impression was gone almost as soon as Dean was aware of it, but the lingering feeling of dread hung around tainting the laughter in his throat.

“I’m here Dean. Crowley’s right there were unexpected side effects to his counter spell.”

Cas leaned in close to Crowley’s ears.

“That counter-spell was a stroke of genius by the way. I’m in awe that you came up with that while under the pressure of that moment.”

Crowley’s brow creased slightly, but he couldn’t detect anything other than genuine admiration in the angel’s words. And wasn’t that just that damnest feeling ever, a compliment from an angel no less.

Crowley couldn’t stop the throaty moan that escaped his lips and he found he didn’t care a jot what the Plaid Clad Nightmares thought of him. Moose’s nose crinkled.

“Are you enjoying that Crowley?”

“Sounded like happy place thoughts to me, dude.”

Sam shot his brother a scandalized look that made Cas smile. The big man shuddered dramatically and asked:

“So what do we do to fix this, before I need serious amounts of brain bleach?”

Crowley’s only answer was another sinfully satisfied moan, it was Castiel that dropped the other shoe.

“The effects of the counter-spell wore off when we arrived in the Impala. Right now, I’m just trying to give us all something good to hold on to.”

There was a four beat that could have been the opening chords to any classic rock song you cared to name. Sam and Dean shared one of those brotherly looks that communicate more that words would ever be able to say. Inside those four beats the Winchester boys had assessed their current situation and accepted that the shit was hitting the fan on a scale even they hadn’t faced before. A decision was made; it had always been made, but it would need saying at some point soon.

Crowley turned and faced Castiel and saw the truth of the situation in his deep blue eyes. The King of Hell patted one of Cas’ hands and gently pulled him away and moved up on the bed so the angel could sit next to him. 

“Come on then Cas, what the frig is going on?”


	5. We've Got Work To Do.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of this story. However I feel the need to write the smut that was hinted at in this fic, so there will be an alternative ending coming soon.

Castiel looked around the room. He tried to fix the image of Sam and Dean laughing till they were breathless in his mind. It was a good thing to hold on to, because now they were both wearing what Cas thought of as their game faces; brows slightly creased, jaws set and eyes so hard they had made all manner of evil tremble. He gave them a sad smile.  
Turning to the devil on his left Cas’ felt his heart lurch. He understood now how far Crowley had come; how hard it was to talk to Rowena the way he did and how much lighter his soul was for that. It was just too late. It was too late for all of them. 

Castiel pulled Crowley into a hug and the King of Hell only resisted for a second before reciprocating. With the traditional male back thump they separated and Castiel delivered the news he’d been trying to deny.

“The Darkness is free and we are all dead.”

Sam ran his hands through his hair and Dean rubbed the back of his neck. Cas smiled again as Dean got to the root of the matter as bluntly as ever.

“Are we actually dead right now?”

“No, but against the original Darkness we have no possible plan, no hope and nothing in our favour. We are alive at the moment, but it’s just a matter of time and there will not be much of that.”

Sam dropped heavily into the rickety motel chair, which loudly creaked its protest. Dean nodded slowly and sighed. To an outsider it may appear that the Winchester brothers had accepted their inevitable fate, but Castiel thought he knew better. This was the calm before the storm, he hoped and that tiny spark of hope was all he had to hold on to.

Crowley got to his feet and began pacing slowly around the room.

“I have to know, what was with the gooey eyed fawning at yours truly? I know I’m irresistible, but I never thought my charms appealed to you?”

“I wanted you to know that you are worthy of love. I tried to show you that as best I could. I meant every word I said Crowley. I wish that you had more time to enjoy the love you deserve, but time is something we have so little of now, so I did the best I could for you.”

Crowley gave Cas a strange look, but nodded before saying;

“So, boys do you have a plan?”

“Booze, babes and food?”

Everyone was surprised that the suggestion for debauchery can from Sam. The tall hunter shrugged.

“Cas says we’re all dead anyway, why shouldn’t we go out with a bang and a smile?”

Dean rubbed his hands over his face.

“I think Sammy’s got a point. If it really is that hopeless, why fight it?”

Castiel felt that spark of hope flicker and extinguish. He understood why the Winchesters would want to give up. They had faced so much, fought against such impossible odds that there was bound to come a time when they had no more to give. 

The silence in the small room was a solid presence merging with the hopelessness and coalescing into a suffocating force that made the light dimmer and the air thicker.

“Bollocks to this!”

Crowley’s outburst broke the tension and everyone gasped as the atmosphere returned to something approaching normal. Crowley looked at the confused and stunned faced of the three men in the room.

“I have just sorted out my mommy issues and found out that Trench Coat there gives the best massages ever. I am not willing to roll over and surrender to a primordial force that hasn’t had the manners to attack me yet.”

Crowley paused to consider something then gave a shrug.

“I suppose there is a certain style to scaring the piss out of enemies so that they give up before the battle begins, but I am not going to do that and neither are you idiots.”  
Dean crossed his arms over his chest and hiked his eyebrow at Crowley.

“And why do you care what we do?”

“Because my dear Dean, if this Darkness is the biggest bad I will bet all of Hell that Mummy dearest with be getting cozy with it. I’m on whatever side she’s not. If anyone can beat the snot out of the Darkness its Team Free Will. Sweet mother of sin, you’ve been a thorn in my side enough times.”

Sam lent forward resting his forearms on his knees and fixed Crowley with a stare.

“You joining us then?”

“Yes. Together maybe we can win and if we don’t, think of how much trouble we can cause before we’re swept of the board.”

The silence returned but this time it was familiar. This was the quiet of significant looks and small signals of agreement. Castiel felt a tiny flicker of hope glimmer in his chest. It grew a tiny amount as he saw Sam and Dean decide to fight and was fanned a little more as he heard the determination in Crowley’s voice as the King of Hell asked;

“So what do you say boys? Shall we show the Darkness just how much trouble a fallen angel, a risen demon and two hunters that won’t die can cause?”


	6. The Smile and a Bang Alt Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here be the Smut

“So, boys do you have a plan?”

“Booze, babes and food?”

Everyone was surprised that the suggestion for debauchery came from Sam. The tall hunter shrugged.

“Cas says we’re all dead anyway, why shouldn’t we go out with a bang and a smile?”

Dean rubbed his hands over his face.

“I think Sammy’s got a point.”

Cas’ head flicked up at Dean there was a curious look in his eyes. Dean stared hard into those pools of blue, and that caused Sam and Crowley to share an eye roll. Dean ignored them and carried on staring at the angel. 

There was no judgement, or disappointment; no anger, or ire. Between the green eyes and the blue there was the understanding that they had always done whatever they could and that was always more than they were able. Now was the time to walk away on their terms. It might not be heroic, or destiny’s grand plan; it might be selfish, but this is where the line was to be drawn and the one of the two people in the world who’s opinion Dean gave a damn about was aboard with that.

Dean nodded and looked at Sammy. He got an instant nod in response to his unanswered question. With confirmation for the only other opinion that matter Dean smiled and nodded.  
Crowley sniffed and stood up.

“So, now all the eye sex and significant silence is done with I take it we’re flicking the vees at the world in its time of need and getting wasted.”

Cas rose to his feet.

“That’s the plan. Do we have a plan to achieve the plan?”

Sam and Dean grinned at Cas’ oddball phrasing. Crowley rattled the demon warded chains around his wrists.

“I know the perfect place. Unhook the jewellery and I’ll take us there.”

The pause was small.

“Come on boys. I’m the King of Hell, please accept that I know the very best den of iniquity on this accursed rock.”

 

Sam stood up and freed Crowley’s hands. The King of Hell clicked his fingers and the room around them changed. Dean found his ears pop slightly at the chance of pressure that came from suddenly being in a larger space. Sam and Dean staggered slightly, Cas was steady as a rock and gave they both a raised eyebrow, which settled once they’d both nodded they were okay. The three of them turned at the sound of rustling silk and the sinfully soft voice that spoke from the shadows.

“King Crowley. It has been so very long. I was beginning to think you had forgotten me.”

Crowley actually bowed and kissed the hand she offered. He straightened up and replied;

“Madam Ceecee. Even I am not evil enough to be so callous. Sadly affairs of state have taken far too much of my time and attention.”

The Madam smiled and opened her arms to welcome the four of them to her establishment. To Dean’s eyes the place looked like a British stately home from one of those period dramas on PBS. Whereas those old houses looked pale and stuffy, this place was bright and plush. The fabrics made you want to reach out and stroke them. 

Ceecee was obviously had a flare for the dramatic; she let them soak in their surrounds for just the right amount of time before clapping her hands twice. From behind the drapes a stunning parade of beautiful women appeared. Dean would admit that even the men were good looking, but they didn’t hold his attention the way the curves of the lovely ladies did.

“Tell me what desires we can satisfy for you gentlemen.”

“All of them.”

The breathy whisper didn’t come from either of the Winchesters or Crowley, but from the lips of the fallen angel who was gazing at one of the dark haired women with a look in his eyes that plainly said he was getting ready to take a running jump to fall as far as he could into sin.

Crowley chuckled and grinned at Ceecee.

“Like the angel says Madam, tonight we want it all; wine women and song.”

Castiel was suddenly by Crowley’s side, crowding into his personal space bringing with him the soft full curves of the woman he’d been ogling. Cas’ voice was lust over gravel as he growled;

“I want you too.”

Cas’ head tilted for a second and then he leaned forward and kissed Crowley’s lips. The dark haired woman rubbed their waists and purred in pleasure at the show. Cas broke the kiss and caught Dean’s eye over Crowley’s shoulder. A look of doubt flashed across his features, but Dean gave him a shrug.

“Go ring them hells bells, Cas.”

Cas grinned and swept Crowley and the dark beauty backwards on to a bed that had appeared from nowhere. Dean turned to Sam, but he wasn’t there anymore. Sammy had got with the program fast, really fast; he was on huge couch enjoying the attention of two, no three blonde girls. 

Dean was impressed. He rubbed his hands together and started towards the busty Asian beauty that had caught his eye with her long black hair and wicked curves. She ran lightly towards him and jumped into his arms, her legs wrapped around his hips giving Dean a double hand full of pert ass. His hand gave a gentle squeeze and he groaned in satisfaction as he buried his face in the valley of her breasts.


End file.
